38

I've always been good in the clutch. Last minute, coming in at the end and really surprising the opponents with a shot to right field. Whenever it comes down to a progression of work, I always wait till the last minute to cram it in. BAM! That's the nature of my personality and I have been this way since I was a child. 

clutch

adjective

: happening during a very important or critical time especially in a sports competition

: able to perform well in a very important or critical situation especially in a sports competition

Full Definition

1

:made or done in a crucial situation <a clutchhit>

2

:successful in a crucial situation <a clutchpitcher>

In high school, I danced around the halls and was more interested in socializing than anything else.  I was forced (by concerned parents) to go to a private school at the start of my junior year. Like a clutch hitter in the bottom of the 9th, I got A's and B's to bring it home. I got into the college of my choice. My SATs were sub par. I remember staying out late the night before and not studying; not giving it my all.

By the skin of my teeth, I've gotten by. When presented with adversity, I thrive. I overcome. But when life is just life, I have been prone to stall out and procrastinate. I lose momentum. That's my nature and it stinks sometimes.

A combination of adverse events in my 20s and 30s's have brought me to a point. My all or nothing attitude is  no longer something I can rely on. Upon leaving a job that nearly suffocated the life out of me in 2010, I felt a change coming. I tried to force it. But nothing really happens all of a sudden and nothing brought on by force endures.

Over time, things did begin to change for me. I look back on it now and realize how slow it was but recall the milestones. There were tears and there was lots of pain. There were letdowns that weren't easy. There were so many unknowns. Where should I live? What should I do for work? Where will this relationship go? 

I began to look inward. I quit many bad habits that were hindering my health. I worked hard networking my career to secure a job at a prominent institution in Boston. Somewhere along the  way during I also developed a very profound relationship with the man who will soon be my husband. 

Self doubt  is a powerful road block. With a very secure job, and a strong relationship, my unknowns have become more manageable. Now that it's the end of 2014, the change is here and it's evident. At the end of 2013,  my fiance and I created a blessings box, an idea that I got from Pinterest. We resolved to put only good things in it for all of 2014. I have been working to be mindful and grateful. Even when I only want to complain and sulk, I try to reflect daily on the good in my life. There's so much good.

In April, I set out to accomplish a fitness goal that took months of planning and hard work. In late June, I succeeded in a 150 mile charity bike ride. I never thought I could do something like that. The endurance it took and the emotional amazement I felt is nothing I can ever explain in words. I did it and that in itself was a miracle.

I've never had confidence. I have above average intelligence yet never really believed it. I never aimed for a challenging career because I didn't believe in myself. I opted for easy jobs that I was over qualified for and thus could shine like a big fish in a small pond. 

Dead-end streets and me; circling around the cul-de-sac.

I am surrounded by Harvard grads and folks with higher degrees and many acronyms after their names. The fact that these people need me and value my skills has been critical to the evolution of my own self worth. 

I am pretty smart after all.

In the last few years at my job, my career goals have evolved. It is easier in a structured institution to figure out what we want and don't want to do. I now know where I want to head in my industry, and am working my network and bettering my skills to get there. In the process, I have had some let downs. This Fall, I worked hard to pass a professional certification. Having been estranged from test taking and quantitative style learning for over 15 years,  it has taken longer than expected to study and take-in information.  I worked really hard to pass the test but have failed twice. I have one more try that I will go for in the Spring.

I do need to abandon my old ways. No one can be a clutch hitter forever. But I also need to accept it as part of me right now. I have been burnt enough to know, trying to change everything never works. And maybe being a controlled clutch hitter will help me in life and my career. When I think about studying or any challenge, I have to remind myself of my bike ride achievements over the summer. I must keep reminding myself of that tremendous feeling I felt when I hit the finish line. How profound it is to get somewhere from my own hard work, and not stop halfway. How amazing it is to follow through.

Failing sucks but it's the fear of fear itself that's worse. 

In the past, I would say my self critique was pretty unfair. No one is worse on me than me. I would call myself a failure, but stop in the middle of things. Quit before failing could happen. Now,  I try to stay grateful, and  I realize that I can talk myself up. My internal dialogue is legit. I can trust my voice inside that tells me to keep on, and not give up.

I really want to remember that I never would've maintained this sort of focus years ago. I never had confidence. I never believed in anything within myself except what I could prove in a last minute effort. The disadvantage of living as a clutch hitter is the odds. Sure, sometimes it's a base hit that brings the runners in, but a lot of times it's a devastating strike out.

So at age 38, I will say that I am more confident and sure of who I am than ever. 

I have a box full of blessings and more to come for 2015. What more can I ask for?