Re-simplifying....

"Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now."
-Denis Waitley

As a child and teenager, I remember how little it took for me to relax and step into the most vivid of imaginary worlds. Pretending with such abandonment. I suppose we all wish we could truly be as creative and free spirited as we were as  kids. I recall moments in my childhood where I could be swept away in an instant. I had an imaginary friend. I made up pretend lands. I pretended to be a horse and would gallop around on my hands and knees like a thoroughbred. Each morning was automatically wiped clean and all I did was think in the moment. It was natural! I am fortunate that I lived a healthy childhood and was well loved. The hardest part of my life back then was finishing my homework in between social activities and trying to fit in with the other kids.

I have a birthday coming up next week and I am feeling older than ever. Yes, I  am literally older than I've ever been. But this particular impending mile marker feels rough. Nostalgia gets ignited from my being constantly immersed in social media and the news feeds from the glorified self-presentations of all of my same-aged friends. I don't easily relax or get whisked away into my own world anymore. I certainly don't gallop around on my hands and knees!! I don't even sleep well, and haven't in years. I find that this stuff called stress, takes over me at times. I keep it all physically in my back and chest and when it's at its limit, the tension is like a top ready to spin off into a tornado like path of destruction. Unlike a real tornado though, I am destructive more to myself than to anyone else in the path.

I have distinct memories from when I was in Drama class in high school. The teacher would begin each class with meditation and relaxation. I owned that. I became a candle, and I flickered out the tense feelings like a flame being put out.  I was an outstanding little teenage actress. I equate it to being a poser and not sure of who I really was yet. It seems like a dream now, feeling that level of relaxation.  But when I really think back about how great it was to be young, I can't let myself get sad over the thought of it. I have to recall the paper I wrote in my senior year of high school about how nostalgia was a form of depression for society and individual. That time was one of true innocence and precocity for me.  Naive and reckless with a lot of fun stories left behind. I was always needing to push the envelope to the limit.  I made a lot of bad choices then in the name of social acceptance. It was nothing short of a miracle that I made it out of my teens and 20s alive. Nostalgia is a healthy thing, but its not a place anyone should be spending a lot of time in. Life is too short. And it would be a shame to waste the rest of it on recalling the past.

Since freshman year of college, I have overcome some serious, life altering situations. I got my degree.  I suffered some losses. I was ill. I fell in and out of love a bunch. I lost and  gained new friendships. 

I have been exposed to very good and also very deceitful people. Being wise was something that I wished for and thought I was since I was 15 years old. Never did I understand that life experience is what brings wisdom. Being naive was the loss that I never thought I'd miss until it was gone. It is a stressful burden knowing now how precious life is  and that in an instant, all that I have and love could be gone.

 I care much less about what my friends think now.  This alone is a liberating thing. Now that I'm in my 30s, I want so much to simplify my life. After spending my teens and 20s progressively and to my own credit, unknowingly complicating my life, I have spent my 30s getting back to basics.  It definitely ain't easy! There  are so many strings to this puppet of life. I have rid myself of many self imposed obstacles that were blocking me from being the person I want to be.  I left an unethical job where my boss treated me unfair.  I adopted a healthy lifestyle, which includes omitting alcohol, drugs and cigarettes. Having a true soul mate and the love of my life with me now has been a definite catalyst for these important self-improving lifestyle enhancers. My recent found faith in God guides me. My eyes are wide open and I feel more optimistic than I have in years. I am a happy girl, but have always been super-sensitive, so it makes it hard to let loose. Or let it roll off my back. 

I am intense, but have learned the importance of picking battles and letting some things go. Experiencing rejection, tragedy and loss has built walls of fear in me. I am vulnerable to my own mortality now. This fear builds a home right inside of my chest with the stress  and I believe it wants to exit out my back. But I won't let it all go. Some of it does, but it is a war inside of me.  Letting it go requires this high level of bravery. This is what I mean by complicating my life. If it doesn't feel good, why do I keep it?

I know that my nostalgic peace and love view of my past often leaves out the fact that living in the moment back then, meant that I had very little patience or fortitude. If everything couldn't happen in an instant, it wasn't worth the time. The wiser me understands that as hard as it is, things worth having in life take time, patience and hard work to acquire. I will never stop trying to be the person I want to be. I am blessed with firm values. I have inner strength. I have a supportive family and a lasting love. These are the greatest tools (absolute blessings, really) anyone could ever hope for. The rest is up to me. I strive for a beautiful balance. I aim to keep at it; acknowledging my personal accomplishments of the past and continue to grow while learning how to let the stress and fear flow right through me. Life is journey as they say. I miss the days of reckless abandonment, but when I really think about my life, it is pretty damn awesome now. There is just no going back.