I had a bad dream..

Life is a scary but beautiful thing. Sometimes a nightmare can scare the sense back into me. Think for a minute. Realize how blessed and fortunate I am. Life and the fast paced nature of it all can make me high strung and too focused on unimportant things like work and stupid details. Sometimes it's hard to reflect on how great it is. Then  a nightmare forces me to remember. I shouldn't wait for a nightmare. I should take time each day to be grateful.

I am the luckiest lady alive. I have tremendous support, a great love of my life,  a phenomenal family, extended family, great and beautiful friends,  two adorable cats and a rewarding job to name a few. 

I have no enemies. While I am strong willed, opinionated and passionate, I have a heart that is capable of forgiveness. I work extremely hard to not hold onto anger and resentment. Learning how to forgive myself and others is the most gratifying feeling I have known in my short and beautiful life.  I have empathy and that starts with being mindful of the positive things. Faith is powerful. Love is supreme. Realizing how short and beautiful life is should be a daily practice. 

Life is fragile. Sickness, accidents, unresolved feelings and tragedies can take everything we take for granted away in an instant. Nightmares are blessings because, although disturbing, they shake us up enough to appreciate what we've got. 

Good night, sleep well.

I'm hooked!

Over four years ago, I met my boyfriend Tim, who at the time was the Captain of privately owned sportfish yacht. As we started to get to know each other, I began to see a life I never knew existed. I never thought there was much to fishing. So there's a rod, a hook and something like bait used to lure it in. How involved could it be?

I had seen plenty of fishermen on the shores of the coastal communities I frequented. As a young girl, I definitely had a big romantic fascination with the fishing boats coming in and out of Menemsha harbor on Martha's Vineyard, where I spent a lot of time in the summer. As a fairly imaginative individual, I would daydream about fantastic stories of what it would be like to be at sea or be in a family of a commercial fisherman.
The reality that I am still trying to understand is that there is way more to fishing than the rod, the hook and the bait and tackle. It takes a great deal of skills and patience.  Seasoned saltwater fishermen need to consider many factors, including weather, species and other things that I don't have any clue about.  Tim now makes his living as a charter fisherman. Over the years of just being around Tim, I have come to realize that his skill and passion for the sport is something to be admired. Not everyone can do what they are passionate about and great at for a living.
In previous years, Tim would take me out fishing and I just couldn't wrap my hands around the idea of actually picking up a rod and joining in on the angling. It seemed so intimidating with a lot of pressure! This comes with the territory of being an experienced master Captain and fisherman; serious about something that is a hobby to most. I tagged along on tuna trips, bass trips, etc. I would focus on the sights like whales or the seascape. I would sit away from the rods and follow my own  agenda of enjoying the day, which consisted in taking in the scenic beauty of the ocean and fresh sea air.

Last year, we moved into the Cape Cod Canal region of Massachusetts. My hobbies include hiking, kayaking and most anything outside. The Canal trail became my standard go-to running and walking track. I began to notice the surfcaster culture of the area. I became mesmerized by it. Some of the canal fishermen call themselves “canal rats” and actually have bikes with fishing rod holders on them.  Fishermen stake out a spot in accordance with the tide or how the fish have been rumored to run and move with the bike or on foot if needed. Friends and family often congregate in beach chairs and picnic. The culture seemed like something I could definitely be a part of! I had continual conversations with Tim about surfcasting vs. boat fishing all last winter.  For Christmas, he had his friend make me a beautiful custom rod wrapped in royal purple and my name painted on it. Being someone who prefers fishing from a boat over surfcasting, whenever he hasn’t had a client, he has brought me out on his boat for fishing lessons this summer. I have been having the best time.  

In June, I caught my first striped bass on his boat. I needed a lot of coaching but the experience was so exciting! My enthusiasm is expressed by screaming and hollering like an 8 year old when I catch a fish. The vivid colors of my rod are a perfect match to my level of enthusiasm. I am literally hooked on fishing now. Since June, I have caught cod, black sea bass, bergall and plenty of striped bass on my pretty purple rod. I have found such enjoyment out of this new hobby. I am learning from and spending time with an expert, who also happens to be my love. Each time I go out there, I learn something new. I can’t wait to get out there this weekend!

I'll keep my day job but still enjoy the thrill of fighting a fish and the satisfaction of knowing that I am, contrary to my prior beliefs, not too old to learn and enjoy new things!

Re-simplifying....

"Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now."
-Denis Waitley

As a child and teenager, I remember how little it took for me to relax and step into the most vivid of imaginary worlds. Pretending with such abandonment. I suppose we all wish we could truly be as creative and free spirited as we were as  kids. I recall moments in my childhood where I could be swept away in an instant. I had an imaginary friend. I made up pretend lands. I pretended to be a horse and would gallop around on my hands and knees like a thoroughbred. Each morning was automatically wiped clean and all I did was think in the moment. It was natural! I am fortunate that I lived a healthy childhood and was well loved. The hardest part of my life back then was finishing my homework in between social activities and trying to fit in with the other kids.

I have a birthday coming up next week and I am feeling older than ever. Yes, I  am literally older than I've ever been. But this particular impending mile marker feels rough. Nostalgia gets ignited from my being constantly immersed in social media and the news feeds from the glorified self-presentations of all of my same-aged friends. I don't easily relax or get whisked away into my own world anymore. I certainly don't gallop around on my hands and knees!! I don't even sleep well, and haven't in years. I find that this stuff called stress, takes over me at times. I keep it all physically in my back and chest and when it's at its limit, the tension is like a top ready to spin off into a tornado like path of destruction. Unlike a real tornado though, I am destructive more to myself than to anyone else in the path.

I have distinct memories from when I was in Drama class in high school. The teacher would begin each class with meditation and relaxation. I owned that. I became a candle, and I flickered out the tense feelings like a flame being put out.  I was an outstanding little teenage actress. I equate it to being a poser and not sure of who I really was yet. It seems like a dream now, feeling that level of relaxation.  But when I really think back about how great it was to be young, I can't let myself get sad over the thought of it. I have to recall the paper I wrote in my senior year of high school about how nostalgia was a form of depression for society and individual. That time was one of true innocence and precocity for me.  Naive and reckless with a lot of fun stories left behind. I was always needing to push the envelope to the limit.  I made a lot of bad choices then in the name of social acceptance. It was nothing short of a miracle that I made it out of my teens and 20s alive. Nostalgia is a healthy thing, but its not a place anyone should be spending a lot of time in. Life is too short. And it would be a shame to waste the rest of it on recalling the past.

Since freshman year of college, I have overcome some serious, life altering situations. I got my degree.  I suffered some losses. I was ill. I fell in and out of love a bunch. I lost and  gained new friendships. 

I have been exposed to very good and also very deceitful people. Being wise was something that I wished for and thought I was since I was 15 years old. Never did I understand that life experience is what brings wisdom. Being naive was the loss that I never thought I'd miss until it was gone. It is a stressful burden knowing now how precious life is  and that in an instant, all that I have and love could be gone.

 I care much less about what my friends think now.  This alone is a liberating thing. Now that I'm in my 30s, I want so much to simplify my life. After spending my teens and 20s progressively and to my own credit, unknowingly complicating my life, I have spent my 30s getting back to basics.  It definitely ain't easy! There  are so many strings to this puppet of life. I have rid myself of many self imposed obstacles that were blocking me from being the person I want to be.  I left an unethical job where my boss treated me unfair.  I adopted a healthy lifestyle, which includes omitting alcohol, drugs and cigarettes. Having a true soul mate and the love of my life with me now has been a definite catalyst for these important self-improving lifestyle enhancers. My recent found faith in God guides me. My eyes are wide open and I feel more optimistic than I have in years. I am a happy girl, but have always been super-sensitive, so it makes it hard to let loose. Or let it roll off my back. 

I am intense, but have learned the importance of picking battles and letting some things go. Experiencing rejection, tragedy and loss has built walls of fear in me. I am vulnerable to my own mortality now. This fear builds a home right inside of my chest with the stress  and I believe it wants to exit out my back. But I won't let it all go. Some of it does, but it is a war inside of me.  Letting it go requires this high level of bravery. This is what I mean by complicating my life. If it doesn't feel good, why do I keep it?

I know that my nostalgic peace and love view of my past often leaves out the fact that living in the moment back then, meant that I had very little patience or fortitude. If everything couldn't happen in an instant, it wasn't worth the time. The wiser me understands that as hard as it is, things worth having in life take time, patience and hard work to acquire. I will never stop trying to be the person I want to be. I am blessed with firm values. I have inner strength. I have a supportive family and a lasting love. These are the greatest tools (absolute blessings, really) anyone could ever hope for. The rest is up to me. I strive for a beautiful balance. I aim to keep at it; acknowledging my personal accomplishments of the past and continue to grow while learning how to let the stress and fear flow right through me. Life is journey as they say. I miss the days of reckless abandonment, but when I really think about my life, it is pretty damn awesome now. There is just no going back.

Keeping it real on V day

As a child, Valentine's Day was about hoping that I would get one of those $1 carnations from a secret admirer which never really happened in school. It started then and since, has never meant more than excitement, mystery and drama. Who are we kidding? My best V days have been spent with my girlfriends doing ridiculous activities like driving to Detroit in a blizzard, an epic night out and/or just plain bitching over good takeout. Extreme and necessary girl drama!
Tim and I owe nothing to this bastard naked arrow throwing baby and don't need a day to remind ourselves that we love eachother. I would feel like a sell out for celebrating today in the way that used to make me vomit .. So I am honoring my girlfriends instead! Love you!